Why am I still waiting?

Generally, I'd like to believe that I know what I want for myself. Lately, I've been torn between two sides. I know what I want, and what you've shown me isn't it, yet I'm still here waiting... maybe for something that is only going to happen in my head. I can't have this... it's so unhealthy for me, and for you as well, but at the same time... I can't help the part of me that wants to help people. I can't help the part of me that constantly brings me back to the good times. I can't help the part of me that feels for you. I can't help the part of me that is more than willing to constantly be there. I suppose that's just who I am.

I think one of the reasons why I haven't stopped waiting is because I wouldn't know what to say. I feel like some of the things you say are truly genuine and come from your heart. But at the same time, I feel like some of the things you say are just BS and you don't really mean them. I can't tell if you mean the things you say or not. I have strong feelings for both sides, the positive and negative, but where do I go from there? Like I said earlier, I'm torn.

I've only ever given my all. I've only ever been real with you. I've never told you anything that I don't mean. The thing that tears me apart the more I think about it is the fact that, to me, all the efforts are only coming from one side of the party. Sometimes I feel like you don't take things seriously and that just confuses me even more. Maybe the situation shouldn't be taken too seriously, but I hate feeling vulnerable. Why I let that happen is beyond me.

Honestly, there have been so many times where I just wanted to give up on you.
As horrible as I feel saying this, I don't know why I haven't already done so...


This is what's on my mind. Things will probably change within the next few hours anyway, who knows. You know how girls are...
Time will tell. It's all in God's hands.


Until the next blog...